Published Together: Amy Bailey on celebrating LGBTQ+ foster and adoptive parents

On any given day, there are approximately 440,000 children in the American foster care system and 20,000 youth age out of the system annually (age 21 in Michigan and many other states). Despite these enormous numbers of children, in many states it remains legal to turn away qualified prospective parents if they are LGBTQ+ or of a religious minority.

June is the time when many organizations pull out their rainbow gear and talk about the need for inclusivity. As an organization that provides mental health, substance use support, and family services, Arbor Circle recognizes that being truly inclusive and welcoming requires commitment every month, not just during Pride Month. From a Child Welfare perspective, we don't simply accept LGBTQ+ foster and adoptive parents, we welcome and celebrate them as needed and valuable members of our community.
 
Until March 2019, Michigan allowed child welfare agencies to discriminate against LGBTQ+ individuals who wished to be foster/adoptive parents based on the agency's religious beliefs. Later that same year in September 2019, the decision to end this discriminatory practice was again called into question, with the threat of being reversed.

The emotional cost is high; children suffering through their trauma alone rather than thriving in a loving and nurturing family. There's a financial cost as well: according to a 2007 Williams Institute report, if Michigan were to ban members of the LGBTQ+ community from serving as foster parents, it would cost the state $3.8 to $5.6 million per year. This expense includes the recruitment of new foster parents to replace current LGBTQ+ foster parents and the additional cost of housing children in group homes or residential facilities, which care for children who are unable to be placed in a family setting due to the needs of the child or lack of families willing and able to care for the child.

I believe the importance of recruiting LGBTQ+ foster and adoptive parents within our community goes significantly beyond this. While there are many stories I could share that demonstrate the unique and positive skill set of an LGBTQ+ foster/adoptive family, there is one that I will always hold close.

I met a six-year-old boy who carried his pain visible for all to see. He had suffered a significant amount of trauma and abuse in his first six years of life, which taught him that the world was unsafe, caregivers were there to hurt him, and he was ultimately on his own. Because of this trauma, he was often unable to control his emotions and actions. Unfortunately, the boy had to move into several homes over the course of his first nine months in foster care, as the foster parents did not feel they could meet his significant needs. The six-year-old boy, who had experienced nothing but pain from the world, was facing a move into a residential facility because the professionals involved were concerned that he needed a higher level of care.

With cautious optimism, I made a call to one last foster family. The family I called was a same-sex couple who had never fostered before, and I knew we were taking a chance on another broken placement for this boy if it didn't work out. However, I also knew we were taking a chance on giving this boy love and family, and I will forever be grateful for making that call to the family who said yes.

They spent the next year of their lives helping the boy believe he was loved and valuable. They showed up for him at every school event, counseling session, good moment, and awful moment. During the times he became physically and emotionally violent, they stayed with him and and this was a frequent event in his life at the time.

You see, one of these women knew what pain could be caused when a parent, someone who is supposed to love you no matter what, who was instead the source of rejection and cruelty. She knew that he could not hold all of that pain inside and understood that was why he erupted so frequently. Those women never backed down in their love for him and commitment to his success. Two years later, I was honored to attend the adoption hearing where they legally became his mothers, and he continues to flourish in their care.

Becoming a foster or adoptive parent as an LGBTQ+ person comes with unique challenges and fears, but being refused the opportunity to open their loving homes to vulnerable children should not be one of them. Arbor Circle welcomes and celebrates anyone who is willing and able to be a foster or adoptive parent with open arms, regardless of how they identify. We understand that every child and foster or adoptive parent has their own unique set of strengths and struggles, and we are here to support families at every step of the way. It is my privilege, and the privilege of our Child Welfare team, to walk alongside our LGBTQ+ foster and adoptive parents through this process.

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Amy Bailey is the child welfare program director for Arbor Circle. She is a licensed master’s level social worker who also works as a private practice clinician in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Amy has received the John P Steketee Child Welfare Advocate of the Year award as well as the Michigan Supreme Court and Foster Care Review Board “Michigan’s Foster Care Casework of the Year” award. With 20 years of experience working within child welfare and with diverse family types, Amy believes that families hold within themselves the power to heal and overcome obstacles in their lives. She sees the role of child welfare staff as not being there to “fix” families, but rather to walk alongside children and families to ensure their stories are told and respected throughout the process and to empower families to use their own experiences to learn, grow, and heal.